Less Than...

Never let people buy you cds, they’ll always remind you of them no matter what.

Association is a powerful thing.

SHOTS

I have drank maybe a little too much, it’s hard to be bothered enough to be coherent and I’m vodka-rolling. This is the real reason we should all drink, the brilliance of not being able to walk straight, the ease at which you can laugh, the freedom you almost get. I like being out of it slightly, but I’d much prefer it if I had someone to steal snuggles with.

But I had a lot of fun, a lot, lot, lot. I found tape within the first half hour I was there. I had no ID check and I can drink vodka. It was gooood. 

Well…

I have actually been able to pretty much pinpoint the exact day I started this downward spiral I’m stuck on. It’s the blues! They seem to be sticking a lot now. I feel like a water colour, faded. 

Christmas Eve, though I was already suffering by then, I detest being emotionally close to people when I’m that vulnerable and I can’t explain it to anyone because it’s too messed up. Parts of my life are utterly dysfunctional and it’s through no fault of my own. 

Worse thing is literally 3 or so days before that I was so close to the guy I was dating, and then bam, I couldn’t be close to him, plus then there was the stuff I found out at New Years. This is my life and I have in ways messed it up. 

I actually stopped trying with him, because I just felt he never cared and yet somehow I always end up talking to him now at my lowest. I miss him, I miss being that close. He actually made me want to be a better person and that is no mean trick. 

Thinking back I actually wrecked it. I just turned into someone just focusing on getting through. Plus I can’t tell people when I’m down or blue when there’s people about and I’d rather avoid the issue when I can. I don’t need it plaguing me everywhere, I live it. Then there’s the whole thing besides family no one sees me cry. I go all red and sometimes I just can’t stop crying…

I’m pathetic, months later and I start to feel again and all I can do is regret everything in my life. The past 5 months all I’ve had happen is letting people hurt me, take advantage and then just walk the heck out my life. Or what’s worse I’m there helping people and now it’s starting to drain me to the point I can’t deal. I need to be selfish now.

I dwell on the past so much. Sad thing is I found things out this month I could have lived without knowing. A friend I actually loved, really liked me at the same time. I never said anything and he is so unsure in things like that and yeah. I’m over him, I care about him a lot but that’s because he is always going to be a good friend. But that is typical of my life. I could have been happy, but no… Thinking back all the signs were there….

I know the main reason me and my ex split, both of our home lives got crazy and I guess neither of us dealt well, and if anything all I can do was push him away. I always do that to the people I care about most. Cliche but when I’m really hurting I’m not close to most of my family. I miss having that little belief and bubble of happiness. 

I ramble, I don’t know what I want or what I mean.

My life is going to shit.

Utterly down on my luck, but I think I’ll just hide away from the world and start a downwards spiral. Might spice life up.

Staying up late then waking at 9am, somehow fell asleep until half one.

Waking up all I did was paint and sketch, nothing too worthwhile, but I will post pictures eventually. Oh and I drank, there’s a reason some days I barely eat, it means the pathetic 4 % stuff has an effect. Thank Lord I have such a low tolerance.

I just feel like right now I can’t be myself anymore. The real me is pathetic and disgusting, I don’t need to be happy anymore, I don’t want to be the girl who no matter what helps someone, even if it’s going to tear her apart, because that’s how naive I am. I don’t want to smile and laugh like I used to, I was basically trying to aim for happy. 

I’m going to stop fooling myself, stop having such high morals. I’m not going to let people in anymore. Everyone can keep a certain distance, and I’m going to make a hell of a lot of mistakes, but not regret anything.

The best part of yesterday was the utter escapism I had. I was reading a book, and throughout the day I played a range of CDS and they just fit.

Manic Street Preachers - Know Your Enemy

Stone Roses - The Best Of

Biffy Clyro - Puzzle

Then The Enemy - We’ll Live and Die In These Towns.

That is one hell of a playlist. 

Honestly

Now to do what my friend said and going to write down how I feel.

I am calmer now than I was earlier, but I can’t sleep and I don’t want to.I have lost one of my best friends totally, and there is almost nothing I can do about it.

I’m sorry that I flipped when he text me that “Sorry, I’m being distant, I’m just on a weird as fuck place at the moment.” He text me that when I was in the same pub as him waiting to see his band, I had to go to said gig as I needed photographs for my collage work and most of my photos have been lost as my hard drive died, so yes I had no choice but to attend. I ended up standing on my own most of the time or talking to Stevie or Bailey other members in the band, I’m ashamed to say that Stevie maybe figured out I wasn’t all okay. 

I was really nervous about going because basically he has not spoken to me in two weeks. I’m sorry but when you go to that from texting everyday, pointless things at times and seeing someone every weekend for a month and being really close it’s sickening it’s in a way not forgivable. I am angry and hurt, mostly angry at him for letting him hurt me. I let him in, I trusted him and now it’s like……. I don’t know. 

I suppose I got used to counting on him and I liked the fact that someone knew me that well. It was for a lack of a better word nice. It’s something that everyone wants and it was so refreshing the honesty we had. Had. The fact I’m using past tense like that is evidence whatever kind of friendship we had is gone.

I have had so many people make excuses to me that maybe I overreacted but really how have I? You do not just cut people out, I’m not a paper-doll, I’m living, breathing and I hurt too, I hurt a lot. 

The worst thing is I know it is going to be swirling in my mind for so long. What I’ve said is a half story, there are things that have happened that no one knows and I am too ashamed and shy to say. As well as the fact if I tell people they will either judge and I don’t even have the words to tell it. I am becoming increasingly jaded. I lack trust and I fear I am becoming increasingly despondent to people in such a way it is going to ruin me.

Arguments happen, and the shame is I know in my bones this is one that can’t be fixed with words, understanding or even kisses. Nothing can fix it.